When hell comes to hogwarts
by xazngrl06x
Summary: Just another Harry Potter crack fic. Written by two friends hyped up on sugar... ALOT of sugar... but Please R & R
1. Disclaimer

Disclaimer

This story is written by xazngrl06x and kithick. So if this appears by both authors its ok just know it's most likely the same story.

Ok we are only going to write this once since it's a pain to write it every single time we publish a chapter so here it is.

We do NOT own harry potter or any of the books original characters or any of the other original movies, comics, etc. in this story. We do however own Rogue Carson and Su Chan and any other character that we put into this story of our own original making which we will put at the beginning of every chapter they FIRST appear in.

Now about half of these ideas were inspired from watching funny Harry Potter icons/avatars and are not completely original but the scenes of which they appear are so no like reporting us since we disclaimed them here please.

Now this is a CRACK fic. If you don't like crack fics please do not read this. We do not and will not hold back on making fun of ANY of the characters. If you read this crack fic and you don't like crack fics and you complain via a review well we just have to say this: "well you shouldn't have read this in the first place DA!" no offense but it does make you one if you do and it really is simple since we are warning you readers ahead of time in both the summary and here.

PS: One last thing before we kick this story off. We were not high on anything but sugar we swear. Heheheehehe.


	2. Prologue

It's the middle of the night when we find both Su Chan and Rogue Carson sound asleep when they receive their letters from Hogwarts. At the constant tapping at her window Su Chan wakes up and says: . ooooohhhh pretty bird. Wait what the hell. Okay is this some kind of joke or sumthin? I could have sworn this was only real in those books. Rogue!?

Rogue: What?! What in gods name do you want at this hour?! I was having a good dream I wanna go back to sleep!!

Su: Did you get a letter from Hogwarts or are you just fuckin w/ my head again?

Rogue: AHHHHHHH, BIG BIRD. GET. IT .AWAAAAAYYYYYY!!

Here we see Rogue running around her room screaming her head off while the owl just looks at her and quirks its head. Then she starts throwing stuff at the owl when its still outside the damn window.

Su: Im guessing that's a yes. It's either that or your just fuckin hallucinating again…

Rouge: oh, god its gonna kill me. Its Alfred hitchcox birds for real. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Su finally comes into the room and was like

Su: will you shut up already the bird left like five minutes ago. Look at your windowsill.

Rogue: oh. Okay. Im okay.

Su: Suuuuuure, uh huh. I believe you.

Rogue: Whats that suppose to mean?

Su: oh, nothing just read the damn letter.

Rogue: Ok ok no need to get all bitchy about it

Su anime sweat drops with the anime anger sign on her forehead.

Rogue goes to her window and opens it up to find that the bird has come back.

Rogue: I told you that damn bird was real!! Get me out of here!!

Su just rolls her eyes and goes to the window, opens it takes the letter, gives the owl a treat that appears out of nowhere, and gives the damn letter to Rogue, who has somehow found a hole in the wall that looked like it was made for her.

Su: here's the damn letter now read it!!

Rogue: is the big, scary birdie gone? (looks up with teary puppy dog eyes)

Su sighs: yes the big scary birdie is gone.

Rogue sniffling: ok…

Rogue comes away from the wall and takes the letter from Su. Rogues eyes bug out of her head when she see that the letter is from Hogwarts and asks Su the same question Su asked her earlier

Rogue: your not fuckin with me are you?

Su: damnit I asked you that question earlier.

Rogue: OH, well the bird had me distracted. So if im not fuckin with your head and your not fuckin with my head then….

They both look at each other and scream: HOLY SHIT!! THIS THINGS LEGIT!!

The next thing they know the walls start to shake, shrink and implode on it self and they end up right in front of Hogwarts on the first night with all of their things packed and next to them dressed in robes with their individual style. They look at each other, shrug and head into the castle following everybody else.


	3. Missing and Neon Hair

We find our friends heading toward the Great Hall following the other first years who in turn are following this old wrinkly lady, who we will find out in just a moment. As they walk through the huge door into an even bigger room they see an old man with a long beard. Now Su and Rogue have never seen this man before so they look at each other and squeal: It's SAAANNNTTTAAA!!

The next thing that happens surprises everyone, because we find our two extravagant friends running down the rows and fighting to sit onto this poor old man with a crooked nose's lap.

Rogue: Wait Su isn't he a bit too skinny?

Su: Now that you mention it he IS too skinny. My bad, old man.

Old man: It's quite alright girls.

Old Wrinkly Lady: Are you alright Professor Dumbledore?

Prof. Dum.: Yes I am Prof. McGonagall. whispers you don't have a book with you do you?

Prof. McG: Sorry but alas I do not. Why do you need one?

Prof. Dum.: Uh… I have a slight problem here and I need some thing to cover it up.

Prof. McG: Oh… OH!!

Prof. McG turns to the young friends: Alright girls get back in line. We need to continue with the sorting.

The Girls oblivious to what just happened, they chimed in, "OK" and skip back into line arm in arm. (No, this is not a lesbian fic.)

After standing in line waiting for their names to be called, Prof. McG calls on Rogue Carson up to sit on the small stool and puts the Sorting Hat onto her head.

Sorting Hat: Hmm… a tough one….

Rogue: HOLY SHIT THE UGLY HAT THING TALKS!!

Sorting Hat: Ahem… I am just old thank you and yes I can talk… Now what house to put you in. Slytherin? No. Gryffindor? No. Ravenclaw? No. Damnit will you think quietly!! Slytherin you evil evil girl.

Next Prof. McG calls Su Chan. Su sits down and gets the hat placed on her head.

Sorting Hat: WTF!! What is going on here, your worse then the other chick. You could go in any of the damn houses.

Su: OK not only is there a damnable talking hat on my head but this thing STINKS!! Have you guys ever washed this damn thing what if I get lice from this? HUH HUH?

Sorting hat: WHAT?! I DO NOT SMELL AND I DO NOT HAVE LICE!! Now where the hell to put you? SHUT UP and stop thinking of ways to curse me. You know what. GO SIT AT THE GRYFFINDOR TABLE!!

Su: NNOOOOO!! ROGUE!! HELP I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE GRYFFINDOR TABLE!! No offense guys I just want to be with my friend.

Gryffindor Table: OH its cool we understand… (Under their breath) not….

Su: Hey I heard that! (Under her breath) stupid Gryffindors…

The rest of the sorting goes as planned with no more outbursts about stupid kids thinking too loud.

So they start to feast on the food and the next thing you know a food fight is started by Su and Rogue and their tables.

Su: Take that Rogue!!

Rogue: Ha! You missed me. (Only to get smacked in the face with chocolate cake)FUCK, do you people know how long it took me to make my hair straight. Who ever threw that is dead.

Everyone is thinking: Holy shit these girls can throw far! And with near deadly aim too.

Random girl in Slytherin: I did it so what you going to do about it?

Random boy: Now, now Pansy calm down

Rogue: Oh, so you wanna see what I'm gonna do about it huh?

Next thing she knows she's bald.

Pansy: AHHHHHHHHHH my hair, my beautiful hair. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Su: You shouldn't have thrown cake into her hair. Now your hair won't grow back until she sees fit that she lets it. It's a spell of our own making ya know.

Pansy jumps up scared shitless and so does everyone else cuz they didn't see that Su had walked over there and stood right behind her.

Prof. Dum.: ENOUGH. Prefects please escort everyone to your dorms NOW!

Su and Rogue wave good bye and follow their houses.

(Cut scene to Slytherin Common Room)

Platinum haired boy: Sooo sexy what wonderful pureblood family do you come from? I'm Malfoy, Draco Malfoy.

Rogue: Pureblood? Umm… I'm not "pureblood". But my name is Rogue Carson and I'm pure white.

Draco: WHAT THE FUCK!! HOW THE FUCK DID A MUDBLOOD GET INTO SLYTHERIN!!

Rogue: OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST CALL ME A FUCKIN MUDBLOOD YOU DAMN PUREBLOOD IDIOT!! Il cambiamento di Traforare!!

Rogue: Now I think that suits you a hell of a lot better. Good night pinky.

Draco wonders what she is talking about since he didn't feel anything when she cast that spell on him. As he is pondering this he heads into his chambers and goes to sleep.

(Cut Scene in the Gryffindor Common Room)

As Su enters the Gryffindor Common Room she is approached by two twins.

One of the Twins: Hi, uh Su was it?

Su: Huh?! Oh you're talking to me. Well my answer is, maybe depends on who wants to know.

Other Twin: Well Fred and George Weasley want to know.

Su: Hmm… ok who are Fred and George Weasley.

The twins look to each other and grin.

Twins: US! I'm George (points to himself) and I'm Fred.

Su sweat drops and says: Ok.. am I going to die?

Twins: No, we just wanna know how you thought of that spell to make that girl go bald.

Su: Oh that, well we were bored on the way here, since we got stuck in this void thing for like a day, so we came up with it. I kinda pissed my friend off and she did it… Then I came up with the counter to it since I wanted my hair back.

Fred: Well that was…

George: Absolutely genius!! You have got too…

Fred: Teach us that spell!!

Su: Hmm… ok I'll think about it… Well it looks like I'm about to pass out here so imam head up to bed now… See ya guyz later! GOOD NIGHT WISCONSIN!!

With that Su bid every body a good night and went up to bed only to find that her bed was floating in the air…

Su: ROGUE DAMN YOU!!

(Slytherin Girl Dorm)

Rogue shivers in her sleep and begins to have nightmares.

Rogue: AHHHHHHHH! CLOWNS!! I HATE CLOWNS!! THEY TOOK MY COOCKIE!!

Rogue wakes up: Guess Su got her present. hehehehe…

**Author's note:**

**Hope you guyz liked that chapter cuz we sure as hell had fun writing that. We expect to be updating soon. Please R & R! flames are accepted as well, just so long as its constructive flames not "I HATE YOUR STORY" flames. That's really hurtful guyz….**


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